||inadequate, insane, ..
After it's been so long since you've been hurt, hurt as to where your so out of it you come to believe that you must be a figment of your own imagination (so then what would that make you, really?)you force yourself to forget the warning signs (of being hurt again) and continue on as if nothing is the matter, you also learn to trust.
Your brain "forgets" to warn you of the impending MISTAKE you are making. And you go forth.
This is what these past few months few months have been to me. A major mistake. I forgot how cruel people are because I stayed to myself and did my own thing (never really bothering anyone). I never really thought it to be much of a problem. Around that same time I learned to trust again. Sure, I was wary of peoples actions and motives, but I pushed that aside and tried to get back to the Land of the Normal. I thought I was back until last night...(unfortunately)
Kind of an overview: I've not really been "talking" to my mom, because she keeps saying she'll help me with stuff and then totally leaves me hanging or she'll make really stupid comments about anything I do and just piss me off. My dad has been ok (i thought)we haven't really fought. My brother (the 15 year old, the one who has a car of his own and would be forgiven for murder if it was up to my parents) is a little shit. Period.
Last night: After dinner there was a converstaion of "chores" and who does what. The little shit was saying how he did everything (makes his bed, cleans his room/bathroom, etc.. etc..) which is totally untrue, because my mom is always harping on him to do just those things. Stupidly I made a comment like "so then you cleaned the bathroom like you were supposed to today, right"? ahhhh and that's when the shit hit the fan....
I could give you a wonderful play-by-play of the conversation I had with my prick father but instead I'll just some it up.
My dad called me an asshole, a disobedient kid that does whatever I feel like doing. I'm a lazy, self-absorbed brat, who doesn't do shit. My dad started the converstaion yelling at me because I was helping (or atleast trying to) in the yard, as he asked, and I pulled out 2 ferns under my window (because I hate ferns, they're ugly and I wanted flowers). Now my parents are ripping down the house in a year anywhat so WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD IT MATTER IF I PULL OUT 2 PLANTS! Of course to my father's disturbed mind it meant that I was making it easier for myself to climb out the windown to "hang out" with devient teenage scum doing drugs, getting drunk and having mass orgies. This part of the conversation must have lasted like 10 minutes, about the fucking ferns.
I was told by the prick that I did it just to piss him off (it must be because I love being ripped at by my father, yep, sounds about right).
Then he asks me about Gill and what I was doing sneaking out with him at night.
Note: trying to persuade a mentally deranged individual is extremely hard.
I haven't even hung out with Gill yet, just talked to the guy, so that makes having a drunken orgy with him kinda hard. But of course my father didn't believe that because the latch to my window was open. If i had the gall to pull out my hair I'd be freakin' bald right now from the frustration this man brings me. Yes the window latch was open because the night before he wouldn't turn the air on and I was hot, GOD fucking forbid that to happen, I should know better than that.
So, blah..blah..blah..yada..yada..yada the conversation goes on and basically the good parts are where my father tell me all these things he thinks of me. Now I don't know which is better, him calling me an asshole, telling me I'm a useless disobdeient lazy ass, telling me to get out of his house, taking my house key away for pulling out the ferns, telling me I'm a waste and basically a piece of shit, informing me that every few months when he can't stand to see me happy he's going to tear away my self-esteem, or the fact that my mother knowing i did absolutely nothing wrong, sat at the table and smiled at me.
Now I would love not to have to live with these sociopaths anylonger, but seeing as how I'm in school and have no job at the moment makes it kinda hard to move out. I would have loved to have smaked that stupid grin off my mothers face, but I guess that would be disrespectful.
Either way I'm just going to not speak, or eat, or anything else at my parents house that way I'll be "safe." But then again that just until my father decides that by doing everything he wants me to do I've pissed him off again.